Communication Theory

What is a theory?

For the layman like myself, I have to dumb things down in order to understand them better.  In its simplest definition, a theory is an explanation as to why something is the way it is.  Scientists will use these theories to guide their research in whatever field of science they may be practicing.   This week in class, we learned about different theories having to do with behavior both in the family and outside the family.   I am going to describe a few of the theories that have dominated my mind over the last few days.   

Systems theory maintains that any intimate group must be observed as a whole.  It analyzes how each member of the family influences one another.  As a system, each individual family member has roles and rules that apply to them, which directly affects the whole unit.  Though members of the family may be individual in their specific role that they fill, they have an impact on the rest of the group so as to support and maintain the family system.  For example, this theory can be illustrated by the father figure who financially supports the family, the mother who nurtures the children, the son or daughter who babysits while the mother and father are out on a date, strengthening their marriage.  

Exchange theory deals with the idea that all of us do our best to keep our costs lower than reward in any interaction.  The “costs” can be referred to such diverse elements as time, money, emotional or intellectual energy, and anything else that a person describes as their contribution to a relationship.  On the other hand, the “rewards” for diverse elements such as these include, but are not limited to time, money, emotional or intellectual gratification, a sense of security, and anything else that a person describes as a satisfying outcome of a relationship.  The size of  “cost” and “reward” in relationships can depend on how invested a person is in their relationship.  If the relationship is consistently charging us more than what we actually receive from the reward, the relationship is more than likely to fall apart.  

In relationships, we tend to weigh out the pros and the cons.  We ask ourselves, “What will be the costs and rewards in a situation such as this?”  We attempt to determine for ourselves if certain relationships will be fair for both partners when it comes to the cost and reward.  This process occurs when selecting a partner or spouse.  It happens in the discussion of responsibilities in relationships where the husband and wife both have careers to fulfill.  It happens in decision making, the raising of children, and other circumstances having to do with life in a family.  

Symbolic Interaction Theory is the view that we are molded and influenced by our day-to-day interactions with those around us.  We can take this to mean that not only does the tone of an interaction have an effect on us, but also the fact that we had an interaction to begin with.  Now, if you retain anything from what I share about symbolic interaction, an EXTREMELY important factor of this theory is something called the definition of the situation.  This means that what someone does means something to that person, but it means something totally different to another person involved.  For example, to a guy, it appears his girlfriend is flirting with other men.  But, in reality, she’s just nice and the boyfriend is overthinking.  It is only when couples fail to address apparent definitions in situations that relationships collapse.  

There is one more thing I wanted to share before I wrap up.  The following story is true, but names have been changed because of privacy reasons.

Craig and Shania have been married for five years.  What drew Craig to his wonderful wife was her ability to inspire those around her.  She is a very successful public speaker who would be hired from companies all across the country to...you know...speak publicly.  Craig loves Shania with a love like no other, even despite her health issues.  There is one problem in the relationship: around their four year anniversary, their communication seemed to take a dive.  Surely they would talk to one another, but their ability to discuss internal emotions and troubles waned.  Shania became increasingly agitated with her husband because he would do things for her that she claims she can do on her own, like carrying her things for her.  One incident included her picking an easily affordable hotel in New York City that was thirty minutes away from a theater where she would be leading seminars.  Even though she had paid for the hotel, she learned later on that her husband had gone ahead and paid for a more expensive hotel room that was right across the street from the seminar. 

She was livid.  She thought, “I can take of myself, darn it!  He only cares about how he looks to those around him!  This is the last straw.”  Within the next few days, Shania had hired a lawyer to get together papers for the purposes of divorcing Craig.  Craig and Shania went to a marriage and family therapist and discussed their issues one on one with the counselor.  The counselor learned just what I had described from Shania, and more.  Shania was tired of being babied by her husband, and she told the therapist that she had already made her decision.  She had every intention of divorcing Craig.  On the other hand, the therapist gained a new perspective when listening to Craig’s side of the story.  Craig described his love for his wife, and his willingness to spend a little extra so that she can be comfortable. He said he bought a hotel room across the street from the theater with Shania's health in mind. He thought the trip from the hotel thirty minutes from the theater would be rough on her health.

Everything Craig has ever done for Shania was out of love, not vanity.

The therapist brought them together and said, “Well Craig, it sounds like Shania has made her decision.  It really does seem like divorce is inevitable.  When do you want this to be finalized?”  The five year old couple told their therapist that they weren’t sure because they had flight plans for Hawaii in a week that were nonrefundable and also they didn’t know if they should give them away to anyone.  The therapist chimed in, “Well, what if you two went on a reverse honeymoon?  I would hate for you both to end your five years together on this note, so why not go on one last trip together and try to end on a good note?”  Craig and Shania looked at each other for a moment, and said they would.

Fast forward two weeks later, Craig and Shania had returned from their trip.  The therapist received a visit from them, and was shocked to see this revitalized couple walk into the office.  “What happened?  Just a few weeks ago, Shania was dead set on divorce.  But now, you two look inseparable.”  

Shania spoke up and said that they came to the conclusion that their communication needed to change.  They recapitulated to one another all they had vented to their therapist, and made the resolve to better communicate.  When they got up to leave the office, Craig instinctively reached for his wife’s handbag to carry it for her.  He stopped just before he grabbed it, looked at his wife and said, “Honey, may I carry your bag for you?”  She smiled and said, “Yes.” 

Having heard this very story in class, I came up with a theory of my own, called communication theory.  In my own extraordinarily humble opinion, communication is what makes or breaks the relationship.  I know this from personal experience.  How?  Because I was never the best at communicating.  But through my experience, I know that communication helps strengthen your respect for others as well as others’ respect for you.  It helps avoid misunderstandings, it builds trust in the relationship, it takes the guessing out of what’s wrong, and it isn’t as emotionally damaging as holding everything inside.  After everything I learned from this last week in class,  I wrote this in bold letters at the top of my journal: communicate like your relationships depend on it.