Communication: Part Deux

Coming back to a topic that I addressed a few weeks ago, this is part two of my communication theory...theory. 

Let me say it again, because I feel like I cannot stress this enough: in my own extraordinarily humble opinion, communication is what makes or breaks a relationship.  Any relationship.  I was never the best at communicating, and I still am an amateur when it comes to such things. But through my experience, I know that communication helps strengthen your respect for others as well as others’ respect for you.  It helps avoid misunderstandings, it builds trust, it takes the guesswork out of what’s wrong, and it isn’t as emotionally damaging as holding everything inside.  Communicate like your relationships depend on it.

This doesn’t only apply to romantic relationships such as marriages.  This applies to other interactions as well.

Missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints preach the gospel of Jesus Christ “two by two.”  As companionships, missionaries are expected to look out for one another, be open with one another, and teach as one unit. They are expected to plan effectively, and hold each other accountable.  Once a week, there is a time set aside for each missionary companionship to talk with each other about how they are doing together.  This is called a “companionship inventory.”  For some reason, many missionaries believe this is the time to rid themselves of all the negative things they have held within throughout the entire week, and totally lambast their companion.  Every sentence would always be, “YOU DID [such and such] WHEN I WAS TRYING TO DO [this and that] AND IT’S PISSING ME OFF!”  It was always about what the other person was doing wrong, and never about what the individuals themselves could be doing better.  

My mission president became increasingly concerned by this, and to remedy the situation, he came up with an acronym that would help us better format and carry out a companionship inventory.  The result was called FANGOS.  As I lay out the meaning behind FANGOS, notice how the conversation switches from “you” statements to “I” statements.  

(F)eeling - a statement consisting of how one is feeling.  That seems pretty self explanatory.

(A)ssertive - a statement having to do with something good one has done recently.  You could say, “I think I accomplished [such and such task] pretty well.”  

(N)eed - state something you need, whether that need is what you have to accomplish on your own accord, what you need from someone, etc.  

(G)rateful - what are you grateful for? Grateful for something that the other person has done, or something you had the chance of doing.

(O)wnership - own up to something you have done, and promise to do better

(S)pirit - The Holy Ghost is what God uses to help His children (us) make good choices and comfort us when time of trial are upon us.  In the “S” portion of FANGOS, one talks about a time they felt God’s Spirit.

What follows is a normal conversation.  Whenever I have used FANGOS, it was always one sentence per person at first, but then it grew into going back and forth about the different things we would bring up having to do with our original “I” statements.  

These kinds of conversations can be uncomfortable since we are talking about our feelings openly.  It’s hard to open up and make ourselves “vulnerable.”  But in reality, if we can foster a culture of openly and effectively communicating with one another, we won’t be viewed as weak.  We will be viewed as strong because we had the courage to talk about hard things🤘🏼